Figure It Out

As a 32 years old, I now realize that..

I probably will not figure it out. My life is a total mystery and I don't know where it will take me.

I used to think that when I reached certain age, I would figure it out. I would know what I want, I would know what I'm good at, I would figure life out.

But I now realize, I probably will never figure it out. 

And that's okay, maybe?

I thought by 30, I would understand the meaning of life.

I still don't, and probably never will.

Tell me if it's okay to be floating in the ocean without knowing where the wave will take me to.

Because that's what life is to me.

A Little Update

Can't believe we are already in the middle of 2024.

2023 was hell, to say the least. I was so glad the year was over. 

2024 has not offered much different, everything has been boring and pathetic. I am still stuck with the same dead end job that I very much despise. I truly believed I would find a new job in 2024 but I guess I should wait another year, all things considered.

I did go to Europe with the husband, and it was fun! I think the best part was not stressing about work for 2 weeks lol I just basically turned off my phone and time difference helped a lot too. We were already planning for next trip in November. I can't wait to get off work for few days again lol

So I did not expect very much from 2024, I just want to survive and walk into a bright 2025.

Praying for a better year with different outcome, even though we still have 6 months left. Manifesting a good life without a boring 9-5 job. Amen.

2024

Target for 2024 :

- Leave my job and current company for good and never look back ever again 

- Find a new job with better salary and cool environment
- Back to 48 - 49 kgs, I seriously need to lose weight omg

- Made new friends, join new communities, go out more

- Travel more, gotta fulfil the Europe trip promise with the hubby lol

- More income than ever

- Be happier than everrr

Manifesting because so far everything I have written in this blog eventually came true. So should the list above too! Amen.

I'm (Still) Not Happy

Hi world.

I am currently sick again. I got flu since last week and it has been killing me since. Idk why it's so easy for me these days to get sick, but I guess it has something to do with stress.

Ever since my last post, I haven't found my path to happiness yet, unfortunately. It has been difficult, to say the least; to cope with the present, to accept the reality and to be honest, to be married. This marriage has changed my life completely, and I can't deny that at times, I just hate it. Now I understand why people say you have to be ready if you want to get married. I feel like I sacrificed A LOT in this marriage, truthfully I didn't even consider it before. I have, many times, cried myself to sleep with my husband soundly asleep next to me, because I can't afford to tell him the truth. If I could turn back time, I would definitely postpone the wedding, at least after everything is settled. 

This year really moves along without me setting any life goals. I feel lost most of the time, I don't even know what I want to do or what I want to be in the future. I no longer have passion in anything, basically I am just a leaf floating on a pond without any purpose. I got no direction in life, I really don't know what I will be a year from now. I do wish things are better, but honestly I can't even hope anymore.

Let's see, shall we?

I Just Want to be Happy

Hi all,

It's been a good minute since I last checked this blog.

And yet, my life has changed so much.

Remember my last post about a job I really wanted to get? I got it. I left my previous company I was with for almost 8 years. 

So far (it's only been 2 days) I don't like my new company. It is a significantly smaller company, and my colleagues are pretty uptight and boring. Maybe I need to give it a little more time? Idk. I do have my regrets leaving my comfort zone, but damn I felt like I had no other choice.

This marriage has been forcing me to adjust to new life, again and again and again. I love my husband; he is the most loving and supporting husband ever and I am grateful to have him. But I can't seem to be happy, not in this marriage, but with myself. I don't know what else I should do to be happy. I just want to be.

2023 hasn't been kind, I hope the rest will treat me well. I want to be happy, for myself and for my husband. Hoping something good is coming my way, soon.

Please pray for me!

Affirmation

Hi world. 

I just got back from a short trip to Singapore. After years of staying home, it was so refreshing to finally go abroad again. I can't deny that I got tired way quicker than before, maybe due to aging? :( but I had a great time there, and I promise myself I will go to Singapore often this year no matter what, or I should just find a job and move there permanently. I made an oath to travel more this year forward; to have more money and use it to travel!

So far, this year has been quite tough. I had to make a lot of adjustments. I got married, which means I had to adjust to living with another person after years of living alone. Then I had to transfer to a new department, because married couple can't stay in the same department. I was the one who got transferred and so far I hate my new job. Everyone here is so kind and supportive but I can't seem to like the job, so I am currently applying to another company and I must get it. It's that or death. It's been a while since the last time I was so desperate about something and I am willing to do everything to achieve it --my true Capricorn color finally came to the surface. 

I expect to get the new job before second half of the year starts, so I need all the luck in the world to achieve that. Til then, I am still figuring a way to survive here since everyday is just so mundane and lame. There is absolutely nothing exciting here so I just have to try and pray hard to have my good life back. 

When I first moved to my current job, I cried my eyes out the first night because I feel like I had everything taken away from me. I was there for 7 years, and for it to change overnight, it was brutal. Nobody said that it was gonna be easy to make a new adjustment, but no one told me that it would be that lonely. My husband comforted me when I cried and I was so grateful for him. Now that I know what change feels like, I am not afraid to do it again. I mustttt get that new job!

Please pray for me and wish me luck!

2022

2022

- Got 2 new tattoos

- Played golf quite often

- Joined a new gym, workout around 3 times a week

- Lost 3-4 kg, lowest at 48.7

- Planned and prepared the wedding

- Got drunk. A LOT. 

- Got married!

- Got Covid for the first time ever

________________________________________________________________________________

Long story short, the main event of 2022 was our wedding; the preparation made me busy almost the entire year. I now realized that planning a wedding is the worst part of relationship lol fought a lot with my fiancé, even almost cancelled the entire wedding once. Funny thing was we kept the wedding a secret for entire 7 months, I think only 3 of our closest friends knew since the very beginning, so I wasn't afraid to call it off since no one knew anyway lol

And I am currently Covid-19 positive after hardcore partying every single night last week. Learned the hard way that Covid plus alcohol equals severe symptoms so I won't recommend that lol currently self isolating at my parents' house while my husband is at our apartment alone. I can't wait to be free next week and I will get 3 more tattoos in Feb!!

Cheers to 2023!

Wed

19.11.22 - the day i married my best friend

The End of An Era

Currently alone at home.

Parents are away on a trip so I came home to take care of my cats.

Yesterday I made a confession, and I know how it might affect a lot of people, but I had to. Boy the emotion that hit me was massive. I couldn't process it yesterday, but today, it hit like a wave.

All the emotion that I was hiding couldn't be contained anymore. I cried a river, I can't take this anymore. The sacrifice I have to make, the adjustment I have to face. Why? Years down the drain, years that will abruptly come to an end. They say leaving your comfort zone is a way to gain, but will it be worth the pain?

When I said I hate uncertainty, I really meant it. I hate that everything is unclear now, I hate that I am the one that have to sacrifice. Why me? Why do you have to force me? I need answers, but the only one remains is questions. 

It's the end of an era, but it's the beginning of a new chapter. 

But why only sadness is filling my mind?

Wish

Writing this because I do not want to talk to anyone about what I have been feeling. 

It was usually easy to bear everything alone and keep the thoughts to myself, but today, that immense grief just took over me. 

With everything that has been going on, I just wish I have a week alone to myself, without thinking about work, future or anyone. I just need to unwind, to relax, to be present; because life has been chaotic and it's killing me.

More over, I need certainty. 

I wish everything was easier, or I was stronger, because I know life does not stop for me.

Meow

I would make a damn good mom.

Why, you ask?

The stray cat I have been feeding for 3+ years gave birth to 4 kittens in August. I was in a slump back then so I did not approach them on the first day but assured they were all healthy (Mama gave birth on her bed on my porch). The second day when Mama was already recovered, I went out to check the kittens. It was instant love at the first sight. She had 3 oreos and 1 black and they were beautiful. My motherly instinct (if you can call it that) kicked in immediately and I made a vow right there and then to take care of them the best that I could. Mama had 2 previous litters that did not survive and part of it was my fault so I wouldn't want to fail her for the third time.

I started to make plans to make them comfortable; I made a blueprint of their future playpen, ordered bunch of cat stuffs and diy cat toys. I sacrificed so much of my personal time (and date night) to stay home and cherish the moments with them. Mama moved the kittens to my attic several times (mama cats always move their kittens it's so annoying) so my dad and I had to crawl in to get them back to cage because it was definitely safer. When they were around 3 weeks old I moved them to the pen so they could have bigger space with comfy bed and toys.

Because it was during peak time of Covid, I was working from home and was staying home on weekends because they closed down everything. When I had to leave them to WFO again (even only 2 days a week), I got very anxious. Sometimes I arrived home at 6 pm and immediately did some errands or fixed their pen until 9 or 10 pm. It was exhausting (exhausting is even an understatement), but I felt so alive. I was happy and I loved doing everything I could to provide them.

Even if it's only cats (and stray, mind you), to watch them grow up to be fat and naughty, to see their characters develop, is sooo rewarding. It's amazing how a little love and patience could go a long way. I can't take all the credit of course since Mama was the one nurturing them (so proud of her), but when they ran around like crazy I felt that all my hard work paid off. I would do it over and over again and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Unfortunately, 2 of them were kidnapped in the end of September and never been found. I seriously pray whoever kidnapped them will have a bad life (Amen!). Two of them + Mama are staying with me now and proud to say they're quite healthy. The runt of the family, a female we call BT (the other aka the fat one is Ruby), was sick so I took her to the vet and she is gladly better now. Other than that, everything has been going well. (I strongly recommend this vet in Jakarta area : SJP Memorial Vet; amazing vet -very kind and attentive, check them out)

I mean, I am pretty sure I would make a great mom judging from how I take care of my cats. Well obviously I know it's different and being a mom to a human baby is a million times harder but well, I am a good person and would not neglect my own baby. I've decided to be childfree so this is the closest experience of having one. Props to all mama (humans and other creatures) out there who take care of their children because it is a lifelong commitment and not an easy task at all.

Is 2021 Cancelled?

Hi all.

We are only 10 days into 2021 and yet things are still not going better.

Covid is still all over the place and we have just got the news that a plane fell into the ocean yesterday. 

Today I virtually attended a funeral of a friend's father who just got infected by covid 2 weeks ago. It only took 2 weeks for that virus to destroy a family's happiness. To hear how she and her sister couldn't make it home due to travel restriction, to witness how these children of his could only say their final farewell through computer screen was rough. No one deserves that, really. They deserve to be at their dad's side, to bid their farewell at his last stop on earth. They deserve to hold his hand one last time while saying how much they love him. Their mom deserves to be physically comforted by their children during this hard time. They deserve all of that. But covid just threw that out of the window and it's fucking cruel. I really am sorry. I hope he now is in eternal peace.

And yesterday though, the nation is in deep sadness due to a missing airplane. Because of covid, traveling has been hard with all the test you require to take beforehand. Some chose to go through the trouble just to spend a little time with their loved ones who live separately, to go home and just to go on vacation to ease the mind. When they stepped into the airplane, they expected to arrive at their desired place, but instead, they arrived at their final destination. I wouldn't even want to imagine being the family and friends waiting for them at the airport or at home, just to receive the news that their loved ones are never going to come back. This is why you never take your time with people for granted and how important short messages like "safe way home", "let me know when you get there" are. You never know. Never.

When I was younger I couldn't give a shit about the world (I still don't, mind you) but as I get older, I get to learn and through experiences, how important sympathy is. Some people had high hopes for 2021 and it was shattered in the matter of days. I do understand that humans are the worst possible creatures at times but this world has been going nowhere but down. I wish for a better year, well if it's not possible for everyone, at least for me and people I care about. I'm not an idiot who expect world to instantly get better when the clock hits midnight on Jan 1, but it just saddens me that we have to begin a new year with a lot of horrible news. 

While we can't expect too high for the rest of 2021, we still have hope and hope is what keeps us going.

Better 2021 is coming y'all!!

Oasis

Hi all.

I am writing again because I have a rather exciting news; I got engaged!

So you might not know but this year has been rough on me, well luckily not so much but it definitely took a toll on my mental health.

It all started in February when I noticed that I was losing more hair than usual. It wasn't really going into my head but still, efforts were made to prevent me balding. But the thing was, it got worse each day; until now, in fact. I just care less and focus on other things now (if any..).

This was taken in mid Oct, I lost this much hair when brushing. Tried every hair tonic & medicine in the market; you name it: Kaminomoto, Natur, Neril, Mumbul Mas, Mynoxidil, Qiara, Muskrat, Erha, Biotin, Candlenut Oil, Argan Oil -nothing worked! I just ordered my old hair tonic from China as my last resort. If that doesn't work I'll just shave my head.

Because I did take some medicines with infamous side effects for my hair loss, my mood swings became worse and rest assured my boyfriend (read: now fiancé) was affected by it lol. I became more sensitive, I was lethargic and just wanted to stay home because I didn't want people to see my balding head (perfect timing because, well, covid & quarantine!). It was tough for him but what could I do when I was this helpless??

He started to talk about marriage and srsly looking at my condition I was like 'the heck am I gonna get into a marriage when I'm not sane myself?!' and always brushed him off whenever he mentioned it. I even mentioned about breaking up because getting married is not on my list right now or even in upcoming years lol

In the last week of October, we were gonna celebrate his birthday (again) at this fancy, exquisite restaurant, de luxe! Everything was well booked and I asked them to provide a cake with birthday note on it. Turns out this guy had a plan on his own.

We took a lot of photos there and one time when I was standing behind him to pose, he started to search inside his bag and I remember thinking 'tf are you looking for this poor waiter is still holding the camera' and he brought up a ring box and I was shooooked! He then said stuff I can't even remember because I was shaking lol and eventually asked the ultimate question; will you suffer with me for the rest of your life no jk jk lol he asked me to marry him and I said yes!

pardon the shitty image quality because I captured it from video lol and this fool got the ring box UPSIDE DOWN smfh..

Aside from the small mishap, the night was definitely memorable. This guy had the guts to ask me on one knee in front of a crowd lol luckily they were very supportive and cheered loudly. 

Oh one more mayhem, the ring he bought was twice (tu wai se, two times!) my size looool when we took it to the shop they said it's impossible to resize it since it was way too big so they had to make it again from scratch and here I am a ring-less engaged woman who can only wear my engagement ring in 2++ months. What . the . fuck...

This tops the highlight of my year and serves as an oasis in a dry ass desert aka my 2020 life. I can't thank him enough for loving me the way I am and for putting so much effort to cope out with me. Match made in heaven, really!

Oh.. when's the wedding you asked? Not in a year, not in 2021 for sure because I love my freedom way too much, I can't give it up just yet lol so now I am just gonna enjoy my time being unmarried until the time has come (not in foreseeable future). 

N.b. 

Special thanks to the crew of Henshin at Westin Hotel Jkt on the evening of 28-10-20.

And the guests for the congratulatory cheer :p much appreciated!

Easy

Hi.

It's been a while since I last checked this blog.

World is evolving(?) towards an era we never predicted; the triumph of Trump (hey, he's a president), a pathogen that created global havoc, and the list goes on. 2020 is really something, don't you think?

Really can't wait to see what the rest of 2020 will bring as we are reaching the end of the first semester. Wishing everyone good health during the pandemic.

So I'm writing because I'm bored (quaranteeeeen lyfe!). I wasn't having a good day, but there is always something good from the bad (positive mindset is important, practice it if you haven't).

To kill my boredom, just let me summarize how life has been this couple of years.

Like 2020, it was unpredictable.

2019 started with a little surprise; my current bf and I decided to give it a go after 3 years of denying what was there. We had decided that we weren't meant to be and stopped being friends after a deep, serious talk. I was assured that it was done for good so I was just out and about trying to move on. Right after I felt better he suddenly came back to confess he wanted me back (well, who doesn't lol). I was taken aback but eventually said yes to start anew.

Our story then started.

This relationship, though not always, is rather smooth sailing.

I remember my conversation with my colleague long time ago about soulmate. When you find the right one, everything is just easy. There will always be a way to connect with each other without much effort. And my relationship, this relationship, seems like it. Everything just goes smoothly; we barely have any quarrel. I had never experienced this before. My previous relationship, as you might read here, was just draining my energy. It was so difficult and intense. I felt like i tried everything and nothing worked.

From my previous one, I've learned that one has to feel safe and secure in a relationship and it should motivate you to become a better person. No one should have to worry that their SO might cheat when they are not around. No one should try so hard just to feel loved back. No one should feel that they are inadequate despite their effort to make their SO happy.

I am genuinely happy that I get to be in a nurturing relationship and to share the same value with someone so special. Am profoundly grateful and I thank God everyday for this living present I got to get. He is a great partner, a good lover and my best friend -it's good enough, heck, it's perfect! Though this did not come in an instant (like, in 3 years.. why..)

Bottomline is, you'll know when you meet your soulmate when things are just easy. So easy. If it exhausts you, leave. Life's too short to fight alone in a relationship.

Okay I don't know what else to write lol

Back to quarantine, I guess..

This whole lockdown thingy makes me stop going to my dentist and my braces are definitely in the worst shape possible lol but what's not in the worst shape is my body. I have been working out everyday for the past 3 months and wow, I got me shredded (pat pat my own back) wfh really brings the best out of me, so not looking forward to wfo again :( -new pandemic, maybe? oops..

It's 00:54, I better start my Netflix binge-watching so I can sleep earlier (or not). Nighty nite!

Stay safe humans! Wear your mask, practice social distancing and wash your hands!

Tranquility

Hello all.

How was your week? Mine was peaceful. I went through this week with much peace in heart and nothing to complain about except some little accidents that happened today. It quite bothers my mind but I'm pretty sure it'll be forgotten soon.

So lemme tell you something about what happened during the first quarter of 2017. First thing first of course, I turned 24! My birthday was a blast and I was happy with all the attention but sadly it ended up with tears because of this person who got mad at me for literally nothing. I swear I won't let him come near me on my next birthday if he is still around. But it was okay I guess, and I got to celebrate it with my closest friends so everything's cool.

And moving on, I completed another big project from work and I was pretty content. Soon after, I flew to Korea for a short business trip. It was brief but brought so many memories. I had mixed feelings about going back there but Korea was treating me well during the stay, so all is good.

I also moved out from my parents' house. Living alone is actually really nice despite the fact that I have to clean up every single day and it is exhausting. Getting my freedom back tops my happy list this year and I will use it thoughtfully. 

So far, 2017 is going pretty well. Even though I now feel slightly uncomfortable at work because of some people I'd like to avoid completely. I think I won't make any huge effort anymore to be in good term with every single colleague because honestly, it is not worth it. I just want to go through my days peacefully and make some good money, that is all.

I am still curious about what 2017 will bring next, so I am always excited for new days and hopefully my heart will stay in peace throughout the year since tranquility is all I need in life.