I Just Need to Write This

For those who read my blog should have even a slightest idea that I was in a relationship in early 2014 to the end of 2015. It ended long time ago, I have perfectly moved on and lived my life to the fullest, but I still can't hide the little fact that the rage within me is still flaming and it is malignant if I don't voice it out. I am still mad, angry and upset.

Here's the story.

We met in Taipei during my exchange semester in college, in February 2014. His being is inseparable from fun, jokes and laughter. We started to hang out because we were in the same group of friends. It took only a bit more than a week for us to be officially going out and that was the first and ultimate mistake.

He was caring, loving and funny, but little did I know that he also had severe anger issue and was very sensitive about trivial matters. Before I knew it, it was already too late, I was in love with this guy, and he surely wished he knew how selfish I am so we both could dodge a deadly bullet. 

So the beginning was fun because we were just two new lovers who tried to get to know each other. We spent time together to find new places to visit and planned our culinary trip (we both equally love food 'til this very date I believe). He was everything that I ever wanted. But then the unthinkable happened.

We started to fight, a lot. At first it was just yelling at each other. Then it got worse. He started to throw things at the wall, and later, at me. He would tell me to go away from his sight in the middle of sidewalk. He once knocked my door at 6 in the morning drunkenly to grab and throw my face away because I walked past him earlier when he was drinking before going to a club.

So much tears had been shed during our time together. I was asking my dubious mind a lot if I still wanted to linger around. And I did. The naive me believed that the relationship would work if I kept giving in and lived in pain while pretending everything is okay. I believed in us and I convinced myself he would too. Man I was wrong. He wanted to break up on fall 2014 after 7 months together. I was devastated and depressed because I really wanted us.

I spent lot of time begging him not to leave me. I was pretty much a living mess back then because I couldn't do much besides crying and praying. Eventually we got back together without an official status but that was fine for me as long as I had him and vice versa.

But to my surprise, it wasn't the last time he wanted to give up on us. In 2015, there were countless times he asked the same thing but I kept refusing. I wanted us that much, the thought of me moving there triggered my courage to say no every time he wanted to leave me. I begged, I cried. And every single time, he came back and became the sweetest person alive.

By the end of 2015, I just couldn't do it anymore. It was uncontrollably exhausting and I let him let go of me. We stopped talking because I was so contained with anger that this guy whom I sacrificed so much for decided that no matter how hard I tried, I was still inadequate for his massive being. Terribly disappointed and mad, I cursed right on his face. Because what would anyone want besides a little appreciation?

I am not trying to blame everything on him because I did my own part screwing up. But once you have come to your sober sense you're starting to realize that not everything was your fault. I practically blamed myself throughout the relationship because I believed that I was wrong and deserved the punishment.

It's been long time since that relationship ended but for some reasons, I am still mad for letting him hurt me and myself get hurt. Many of you may not know but I seriously tried really hard to be present for him, even that means staying up until 5 in the morning when I had morning classes. I do believe that he never did love me, if it was love, really though, I'd rather not fall in love ever again.

The past is the past they say, but some pieces it left certainly linger around in the presence. They say the strongest person is the one to forgive, but forgiving doesn't mean forgetting and pretending everything is fine.

Now, 3 years later, I am glad that we didn't make it through, I'm glad that everything fell apart because imagine how painful it would be if I forced myself to be with that guy. I am in no better situation right now, but at least I have the courage to stop when it has to be over.